By Sanchari Pal
Fake Friendly Fridays is a section where we invite the current entertainment source of the country for a no-holds-barred interview with ED. We make sure they remember this interview, even though they never gave it as this is purely an imaginative piece (Oh, how we wish this wasn’t!).
Today, we have with us a very special guest. Someone you wouldn’t think of in your wildest dreams but you know who it is!
What are you guys waiting for? I just said it. Put your hands together for the one and only Lord Voldemort!
V: You dare take the Dark Lord’s name , you filthy Muggle?
Me: Hold your horses, Voldy. Anyway, you’re getting all old and moldy. I’m doing you a favor by giving you the much required exposure. So, tell me, what led you to all this?
V: I thought the ISIS was getting too much attention. No hard feelings but I really love what they’re doing.But they’re Muggles after all. So I figured it was time to educate them on evil.
Me: Why Harry Potter of all people?
V: (grows contemplative) I really shouldn’t be telling you this (starts sobbing uncontrollably), he would’ve killed me! He didn’t know but I did and I know it sounds complicated but it isn’t.
Me: But what about that plastic surgery that you did to your face and er,nose?
V: So, there was this particular person, a Muggle rather, who inspired me. I think his name was Michael Jack something. You see, I wanted to be as slate white as him. Unfortunately, I was too proud to go visit a Muggle doctor. But Lord Voldemort is a fast learner.
To add to the effect,I get my red contacts custom made from France. And darn expensive they are too!
Me: So, what is the deal with you and Bellatrix?
V: She is a servant. With benefits. She serves me. That’s about it.
Me: What about your equation with Wormtail?
V: See, let’s make things crystal clear. Wormtail, Bellatrix and I share a very unique relationship.Them two are the most faithful of my servants. And we greatly benefit from this relationship. I have unique tastes when it comes to relationships (turns a slightly deeper shade of pink).
Me: What’s your favorite color?
V: PINK. And you may laugh at your own risk for you can see that my wand is pointed at you.
Me: Fine. I’m not Harry Potter. Such hostility is unwarranted. Now that I think of it, how do you deal with stress?
V: By eliminating the cause of stress. Which usually entails killing them. Easy-peasy.
Me: Who, or what was your first murder victim?
V: A beaver. Seriously. No kidding.
Me: What is your one dearest wish?
V: Apart from murdering Potter? Eliminating rainbows, teddy bears and perfect noses from the face of Earth.
Me: It was uh,quite an experience talking to you. Would you accept my friend request if I sent one on Facebook?
V: What is that, some disease? Or some evil spell?
Me: Never mind. Any closing comments for our dear readers?
V: Die a horrible,slow,painful death.
Well, it looks like some people never change. It was an unfortunate pleasure talking to a dead man and a dead man with no nose!