My Pizza Math And The Perils Of Sharing Pizza

Use Pizza Math to always come out winning.

There are only a handful of issues that I am really passionate about. Trust me when I say this, Pizza tops that list any given day. Pizza is magical.

Eating a good slice of pizza after a terrible day makes one feel 100x better than any heroin ever could. I think. I mean, I am no expert or anything but goddamn if pizza isn’t the solution to all of humanity’s problem.

So nothing is better than sharing a good ol’ pizza with your buddies after a busy day at uni, right? WRONG!

This brings me up to the fabled pizza math.

There is just so much pressure when everybody is eating from the same pie. You know what I am talking about. It starts out nicely and everybody seems to be having a good time. Then you notice. The horror. The slices are getting lower and lower and now you gotta look around the table. It’s time for the pizza math.

You look right across the table and think to yourself: Now he, he already had 2 slices. He should be out by this point. What the hell is he waiting for? To your left: wtf is she doing? What in god’s name is this crap? Finish the crust lady, that doesn’t count! What are we, heathens? Have a heart, I plead.

And the worst of it all: The last 2 slices.

One slice is like HUGE, picture Trump’s ego. The other is like a little mutanty, small, degenerate shell of a slice that never wasn’t even supposed to be here. The pizza guy just did a hack job with the slicer and just called it a day. Despicable.

So who gets the big slice then?

I don’t know but it’s never me that gets the big slice, what a shock. Someone’s always eyeing it since the beginning and calls dibs at the last second. So do you accept defeat?

I am not done yet though, ha!

This is when you bring out the big guns: make it up in cheese instead. The cheese seems to fall off just as I am picking it up for you. I was just separating it from the other piece and it just slid off. It always magically seems to land on the mutant slice as well. Oh what have we here now? That sliding cheese took off all the main toppings with it as well. What a shame. What a damn shame I say.

“Here you go buddy, enjoy your saggy skin flap. That’s for you.”

And while we’re at it, what the hell is that little table doing in the middle of my pizza box? You know, the little ottoman thingy. I don’t like surprises when it comes to my pizza so just slow down with the furniture already.

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