Fake Friendly Fridays With The Oh-So-Popular Chetan Bhagat

By Anna George

Fake not-so-Friendly not-really-Friday is our weekly feature where we  grill interview a darling celebrity. All of this of course takes place inside our heads and is a concoction of our imagination. The fun and answers are spot on though!

Chetan Bhagat

ED: Hello everyone, this week on Fake Friendly Fridays, we have unfortunately the most popular writer in India, Chetan Bhagat.

Hello, Sir.

CB: Namaste.

ED: Sir, from an IITian to an IIM graduate, you went to become a writer, and then a reality TV show judge. Why this sudden change in careers? 
CB: You see, I went to I-I-T. And we engineers are a clever breed. We are jacks of all trades. So, when we start sucking at one trade we shift to another.

ED: Er, Could you explain a bit?
CB: Look, in school I didn’t understand physics or chemistry. So, I mugged up the tricks that coaching centres teach you and got into IIT ! When I sucked at engineering, I fooled the admissions committee at IIM A and got into management. IIM taught me to make an impact at my workplace. And oh, I did make an impact shortly after I was hired.

ED: And what was that, sir? 
CB: I led Peregrine, my employer, to bankruptcy right after I joined!

ED: Wow! But then you went on to fool Goldman Sachs too sir? 
CB: Ahhh, yes. They soon realised their mistake though. Those bankers were a smart lot. Then came the recession and you know the first guy who Goldman fired? I always liked to come first. I’m an IITian after all.

ED: And so you became a writer when you had nothing else to do?
CB: You’re catching on. I capitalized on the market potential of the IIT brand. If IIT can get you a job, a bank account, a girlfriend and dowry, it can make you a best-selling writer too. That is why I chose writing as a career option.

ED: But how did you end up becoming a Screen Writer? 
CB: Vidhu Vinod Chopra and Rajkumar Hirani. They borrowed my story and made a box-office hit! And you know where they put my name?

ED: Was it in the list of Junior Artists? 
CB: Those bast***s! How could they! That’s when I decided to become a screen writer. Anyway, my books weren’t doing well either. Writing for a commercial movie is so easy. You just need to eliminate common sense.

ED: Now you are becoming more involved in politics and social causes- like the ‘fast for her’ campaign and ‘award wapasi’. What could be the possible reason?
CB: Well, I am trying for an easy job, you see. A job where the brains and effort would be minimum and I can afford my lavish lifestyle. So I tried to be an activist. And I choose saas-bahu serial topics like Karva Chauth. I tried egging one party but then they lost power so I am all for another party. I am hoping I would become a member in their PR team where I can edit their social media websites. I have proved that I am good at fooling people. It’s called Optimization.

ED: Sir, you have also proved that you can annoy some people. And recently, Historians seemed to be quite annoyed with you. 
CB: What did I say to offend them? I just don’t understand what these historians do. This happened, then this happened. Okay, work done for the day. They didn’t go to IIT. They are dumb people, you see.

ED: But sir, do you really think you have been representative of the reputation of the colleges you went to? 
CB: Of course I have. I benefited from a subsidized education thanks to tax payers’ money. And now, like most other Alumni, I can live a great life without having to give back to society. Isn’t that what these institutes stand for?

ED: Er, okay. But sir, what are your future plans? 
CB: I am trying for an opportunity in politics. I am popular and educated. I don’t have a criminal background, so I can be a mascot as well. I might have to change my religion to increase my prospects. And I need to work out something fast, since I have tapped all the opportunities around. You said you are working for a blog right? Shall I work for you? I can fetch likes in a jiffy.
ED: Sorry Sir, we publish only quality stuff.

*Long pause from both parties…..twiddling of thumbs by both parties….guess it’s time to end it*
Ok folks, with that, it’s a wrap of this interview, catch you at the next fake friendly Friday.
Until then, go read Professor Snape’s interview.


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